A Mother's Heart in War. . .12-31-03

The Friday entries of "The Powder Room" are currently from a journal which I started when we found out our son was going to be deployed with the United States Marine Corps to Iraq. The journal was not written with the intention that it would ever be read by anyone else, much less published in any way. There are feelings in the journal that are deep and true and I wasn't sure at first I wanted to share them. But there are many sons and daughters still serving in our armed forces and I think it might be good to share "a mother's heart" with you what those other mothers may be facing. The entries are shared as a tribute to my son and his service to our country, and to all those sons and daughters who continue to willingly place themselves in harm's way for the protection and preservation of liberty.

These words are written in the end-page of the journal:

JJ gave me this journal just as I was thinking it would be good to write down my thoughts while Noah was deployed. The military green color of it's cover just helped confirm my choice for these pages.

As I watch her play with her toddling son William, I am struck by how short a time has passed since my Noah was a little toddling baby playing at my own feet. How a mother's heart yearns to hold that little boy just once again and yet, I will hold him forever in my heart. For all his becoming a man of war, when I look into those green eyes, I still see a little boy for whom rifles and swords were just the tools of imagination and play.

December 31, 2003

For an event to still be months away, it is amazing how it invades the thoughts of today -- and yet part of me tries to push away the thoughts like an unwanted guest at the front door.

I look toward the specter of the future (because we are not guaranteed that next breath) and see the times Noah will not be here. My mind wonders, "Will he be gone by Mother's Day? Father's Day? Surely he will miss Emmie's birthday."

There is such a temptation to fear that which is not even upon us yet. The future, as we imagine it, is not a reality, and yet it consumes so much of our thought and if we choose to go there, our worry, our tears, our fears. Well if not for the Lord, how would we continue on?

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord:
and he delighteth in His way.
Though he fall, he sall not be utterly cast down:
for the Lord updoldeth him with His hand."
(Psalms 37:23,24)


"But the salvation of the righteous is of the Lord:
He is their strength in time of trouble.
And the Lord shall deliver them from the wicked,
and save them, because they trust in Him."
( Psalm 37:39,40)

Lord, I trust my son into Your hands and I pray He will trust in You as well.